Have you ever heard the phrase “dating the same guy in different shoes”?
Well a few years ago, that was my pattern. To be honest, I didn’t even know I had a pattern until I took a relationship boot camp seminar (yes, really). I was sick and tired of failed relationships and I wanted to get to the core of my misfortune when it came to love. And it just so happens that I found out more about myself in that seminar than I ever did in any relationship.
Whenever we enter into a romantic relationship, we hope to have this new love clean and untainted from our past. Yet if you have the luck of experiencing the same end result, you have a pattern too and it’s important to address the why. One of the things I had to accept with my love life was that not only was I dating guys who were jerks but I was unconsciously PICKING them.
Here I was thinking that every relationship was a clean slate when in reality…I was dating the same guy. This is when I realized the pattern. After talking about it with a few girlfriends, we all realized that this is way more common than we know. This then leads you to the harsh reality that almost every person needs to accept before they continue dating:
The problem is you.
Now, this no way to puts the entire blame of failed loves on you because obviously, it takes two. However, if you start to examine your dating history and notice a pattern it’s time to be honest with yourself. Globally renowned life coach and author Tony Robbins use a tactic whenever he talks to people who ask for help. It usually begins with the sentence:
“Whose love did you crave the most as a child?”
You can see him use this technique first hand in the Netflix documentary I Am Not Your Guru. This question has been used by thousands of relationship and self-help experts for a reason. According to Robbins, this “craving for love heavily influences identity, even as an adult, and understanding this can help you better understand your personality and how you respond to interpersonal situations”.
This information can tell you the origin of your pattern but in order to change it, we have to go a bit deeper. After years of hearing stories of love and failed romances, I find that at the end of the day, toxic relationships often stem from a lack of self-examination and self-value. If we can hold onto our values and self-worth, the chances of shifting our love life for the better increase.
Here are a few ways you can begin to reshape your pattern and begin to break the toxic relationship streak:
Reshape your values
Sit down with yourself and ask “what are your values?” It can range from friends, family, travel, adventure, beauty, balance, the list goes on (check out this link for a core values list). This might seem like a very simple thing to do but you’d be surprised just how often people DON’T check-in.
We don’t have the time without busy schedules but in order for patterns to change and habits to break, we need to make the time. So sit down with yourself and write down what do you value in your life (and are you actually living by them – but we’ll get to that another day).
Get back to Center
This is a yoga phrase that I hear all the time and love. Yoga instructors often use the phrase “get back to center” for you to align your body in the center of the mat or to go back to the previous pose. You’re taking a break and coming back to step one. This can be hard when we live in a world that promotes overworking and constant movement.
Taking the time to come back to yourself is essential for your overall wellness. Take the time to come back to who you are, what you want, and what you don’t want. Once we center ourselves we are able to go out into the world and be confident in who we associate with.
Prove your worth to YOU
Almost nine times out of ten, I hear my friends tell me the same thing after a breakup: “I can’t believe he did that to me – I gave him everything!” Often times in relationships we’re constantly trying to prove our love. Prove our worth to the other person when in reality you are already worthy.
This pattern comes from unmet needs in childhood, primarily seeking constant approval for love. Yet we have to understand that we are worthy in the here and now. Craving affection is not a bad thing as long as we understand why we make our emotional decisions.
It takes time to break a pattern and practice to develop awareness. But once you are there, you have the power to reshape your dating life and your overall relationships. We humans always have something to learn, we are always changing and learning new things in new ways, which means that it is never to late to take control of your life.
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Til next time homies,